In the first weeks of the separation, I desperately tried to hold the space for two parallel realities: on the one hand, I wanted to hold out hope for the salvage of my marriage. Like many mind-altering substances, there are lessons there if you want to learn them. Never a big crier, I received a crash course in what tear-induced catharsis felt like – and holy wow, it felt good. This state of mind was profoundly uncomfortable, but also weirdly educational. I felt like I was on a low- dose of LSD – time was weird, my vision was odd, my emotions were out of control Even eating was an intellectual exercise (chew, chew … swallow? Is that what you do next?). In the darkest of my days, I felt like I was on a low dose of LSD at all times – time was weird, my vision was odd, I threw up for no reason, my emotions were out of control. This means both of you will go through grief – a powerful mind-altering substance. Maybe it’s a loving euthanasia that you both agree on, maybe it’s a violent one-sided decision that only one of you sees coming, but it’s a death regardless. Regardless of how your marriage ends, it’s a death. I look back and wish I could wrap my arms around that poor blindsided woman a year ago and whisper these truths into her ear. It was rough.īut as I round out the first year since my divorce, things have calmed down. I juggled meetings with child therapists and wedding vendors. In my work as a publisher of an online wedding magazine, I spent the winter of my divorce figuring out co-parenting while also co-producing wedding expos nationwide. On top of this personal shock, I also had to face my readers.
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